Those oh so Familiar words, but this time its real!

Looking back to all the past blogs I have posted about girls

I learn after each one leaves my life

I get chance after chance to find that one girl who will make that difference in my life.

That one girl that will effect me even when I'm not with her.

Who can make me smile even when she isn't talking to me.

Who can fill that hole in my heart so many other girls have made bigger and bigger.

I nearly wanted to just give up at one point.

Tell myself there is NO point in trying.

I'm just wasting my time with girls who don't even care

But as that last straw was pulled, before I even knew what was goin on.....

Someone quickly placed thier straw in, giving me that one last bit of hope I had left

just one more chance.

Thank the gracious God above too

She has been my angel sent from God himself.

I know this for fact too, she had spent night after night PRAYING to be that girl in my life

With all the strenght of her faith I was as good as hers

I was meant for her as her for me

We are nearly identical in so many ways, but differ in just the right ways!

That hope for finding your ONE true love that I had lost so long ago was reinstilled with her kiss.

She is the I am meant to be with forever!

I feel complete with her in my life

her warm kisses

her loving embrace

her inviting smile

her enchanting eyes

her love

her

I have found my one true love to live my fairy tale with!

Except our fairy tale won't be found in a book

nor in the memories of kids from the stories told by thier parents before they are laid to rest

nor from the lips of those who wish they could find the love we feel

But in the heart of my love!

What happens when.....

When the sun goes down and everyone gets in their beds.....
sleep becomes an invited comfort for a person's long day
Not for me, as it gets dark.... I stay by the warm glow of my laptop
Never doing the same thing after the night before
Sometimes clickin around myspace, facebook, or myyearbook
But always listening to muzik.... bringing myself into a meditated state
As I slowly slip into deep thought I give in and let my mind and heart take control
I never know where It is goin, but I let go

Some nights I think back at other nights, wonder what was going on in my life at that time
The difference in thoughts and emotions from one night to another are always changing
My heart belonging to, what seems like, a new girl each week or so
But as of recent my heart seems to be completely set on one girl

There was a time not so long ago that our communication was crippled.....
and each night dragged on longer than the next
Wondering, waiting, patiently hoping for that one phone call that will bring my heart to rest
Killing my constant worry and concern
Allowing myself to actually fall asleep comfortably
Hearing her voice, reading her words, seeing her face brings a warmth like no other

Is this the end of my pain?
Will she be the girl to make and keep me happy?
Have I found a girl I can fall in love w/?

Yes, when the simple thing of just hearing her name brings me undying joy.... it will always be a yes for anything, although I don't want to rush a romance, I am hoping this works out

What happens when I stay up all night?
I think
I reminisce
I picture us finally together
I feel at one w/ my life
I accept
I divulge my emotions through a constructive outlet
I live

Iwrestledabearonce

From feeling like there is little hope to finding someone who will make me as happy as she once did to feeling happier than I have ever had w/ in just weeks. What started as a phone call to help a friend in time of comfort soon...actually immediately turned into an immediate connection between two people who would have a stronger connection than ever anticipated. I called her cuz she wasn't doing to well, she was goin thru things w/ someone, I felt the need to help...be a friend. Well as tht phone call began, just hearing her voice made me feel something I haven't felt in a long while. It wasn't till 30-45 minutes into the phone call that we got to what we set to talk about....her guy situation, but at that point she wasn't even thinking about it.....and all I could think about was her. We talked every night for hours fromt that night on. We weren't aniticipating our emotions to grow like they did, let alone how fast they did. She lives in Colorado....me in California. So we thought, well we can be good friends, but no more, the distance wouldn't work out all to well. Until she remembered her plans (before we began tlking to eachother) that she was moving to california in April. Bringing hope to what potential we had. For the first time in a long time I had a conversation with someone till the sunrise the next day. Best part of that, not one moment of awkward silence or boredom! Laughs and giggle the entire time. We made eachother so happy it literally hurt, mid laugh we'd say to the other "ouch, my cheecks hurt from smiling so much!" And it was true, fucking hurt! But it was a good pain. We kept talking on, day after day realizing just how much her and I had in common. Every phone call we were in awe w/ how much we learn about the other person! There is not one thing I dont love in this girl. As things went on, it was made apparent that we have definitely developed some intense feelings for eachother, and we couldn't hide it from one another. I couldn't hold it back, I had to tell her one night "Yeli...I really really like you, and I've really fallen for you!" and she giggle, sounding cuter than ever, and returning the words explaining that she feels the same way. But me being dependant on attention from girls I still looked for a girl to keep me tied up till april, plainly put I went thru a few girls learning that all that happens w/ me is I get hurt from girls who lie, decieve, act fake, use me, and lead me on. And after every girl has tossed me aside...she is always there to pick me, bring that warm feeling in my heart and smile to my face. It was just recently that I realized I have to stop looking for a girl, cuz I have had her the whole time! So as the days passed we began to fall harder and harder for eachother, until the words just had to be said..... i said it.. "Jessica, I love you!" and again, she got all giggly and returned the favor, "Christian, I love you too". Ever since those words we've acted like bf/gf....but no title. Till I began to hint at it, and then we just said...ok we can't keep at this, we are together now! And it was set! Now only time will tell where this all goes! I love my Yelibear!

Emotions Run deep, but do thoughts run deeper!

As time has passed and girls have come and gone through out my life I learn so much from each expierience! I will always say that NO relationship or expierience with another person is a complete waste of time if you can leave it learning SOMETHING from it. I've been lied to, led on, left for another guy, decieved, and completely fooled. But I do NOT regret anything I've ever said nor done. All my mistakes and heartaches are who I am. Along w/ all the fun and joy I live w/ my pain and "suffering" really shows who I am, it shows what I am capable of getting through. A person is only as strong as thier worst time that they have gotten past. I have come to realize that I have to STOP putting my heart out there so much and so fast. I can't be the only person doing the "chasing", bcuz thats what leads to me getting hurt when the girl says NO. I lead myself into a trap. Well, I'm learning... that is what life is, one giant learning expierience! I have no hard feelings for anyone who has hurt me, and I dont think I can. I will always see the good in a person, even @ thier worst points. There is ALWASY good in a person, even if they dont think there is. I'll live, love and let others have thier oppurtunity to live and love as well, cuz EVERYONE deserves their chance at happiness! No matter who they are or what they've done!

So much pent up agression! ummm sure dood

Here is a message I recieved from a very demented guy, with too much hate and time on his hands. I recieved this on youtube....its hilarious...warning though, VERY GRAPHIC LANGUAGE

look u god damned emo shit faced mom pube bastard all i want to do is come through the fucking computer and kil u i dont even know why i hate your ass so much other then that that u look like a fucking horse. i honestly also think u talk so much it must be from your daddy shoven his fucking cock in your mouth or that boyfriend nigger of urs tyquon yeah i know niggers dicks r big but its just cause what they lack in brain goes to there dicks and they shoiuld work in my god damned fields anyways i think ur slightly retarted from the lights your momma use while she was filming u and your daddy fucking "old school" he said but getten fucked in the ass isnt old school bro its this new thing called pedifilia and its gonna be exactly what u ammount to u piece of shit emo kid i have litterally fucked girls like u always talking about "hard times" and how its not so bad but they just want fucking attention cause daddy played with their pussies to. oih and that girl u supposably fucked last night yeah well just do u know that was a guy that explains while he wouldnt let u fuckin him in the vagina cause he didnt have one bitch even tho u probably fucking already knew that i hateu and i hate nigger cause all u have in comon is that u sit on your ass and think your doing the right thing but really all we want u to do is fuckin gettin iin my god damn kitching and fucking clean did ur daddy abuse your mother cause if so he did the right thing im sorry if he abused u to but u kinda look like a pussy and u also look like u have a pussy i condone women abuse but i understand that u might not know what condone means considering daddy probably beat ur tiny ass when u were a little kid was he a drunk like your mother or did he commit suicide cause any fucking person that brought u into this fucking world should go kill themselves right now u know what in fact i wish your mom would commit suicide right now and make u clean it up cause that would be fucking perfect i hope u have a fucking beautiful little girl that some guy kidnaps rapes and then beats to death and then i hope he calls u and folds her up in a suitcase and lives her to fuckin rot in the town sewer and i hope u have to go fish her lifeless body ravaged by a dick out of the citys sewage i just hope they dont fuck her face up to bad so daddy can see her fucking face one last time cause i doubt u will be able to reconized her body. i truly wish i could kill u u sick emo fuckhead bastard. btw the next time u fuck with TestAmenT12341 ill send u a fucking book bitch now go suck daddys cock and dream about ur darling girls ravaged body

Lost in my own heart

I believe that I am falling, no correction, I HAVE fallen for this girl. But there is a catch...hehe, there always is huh? Im am sad to say that I think that I have fallen for the wrong girl at the wrong time, but for ALL the right reasons. My heart isn't confused w/ whether or not my emotions are true, they most certainly are. I really care for her, more than I thought I ever would, the only problem is the timing. So much is going on, I believe that I have entered into her life at the wrong time.....or maybe thats just how it seems, maybe its supposed to be this way. This inturn lies the problem...im so confused. I do know or sure that my feelings for her aren't wrong, not what so ever. As far as why/ how much/ or if she truly has feelings for me...only she knows...but she continues to give me the attention that keeps me involved, and more. I just worry that in the end after what I have tried to do, I will fall short of a minor success....am I helping her in anyway? What impact am I really having on her life? What difference do/ have I made in her life? Does she event need/want me around whilst she is going through her own difficult times? So manyquestions....so little answers....I wait around hoping that maybe over time some will be answered, cuz I doubt they all will......only time will tell. Because you will never know....until ofcourse you know.

If It means enough to me....it should matter enought to you

I realized, listening to A Day to Remember's song " If it means alot to you", that yea, i do have really strong feelings for this girl. Like nothing i've had in a long while..... there is a small part of me longing and hoping that me and my ex will someday have another chance (but I think my chances have all run out for that one). I ultimately wanna be w/ this girl...she is incredible in more ways than she can see, but I can't tell her because of the repetition of it. I ulimately want some one to tell me, and sometimes just show me that they really care about me. Fuck you I don't care if this makes me look like a bitch, Im really goin through some wierd new shit in my life right now. Cuz i know someone will say, "You sound like a bitch....you don't have a dick, blah blah fuckin blah" Watvs, srry that came out, I'm just going crazy here. I have strong feelings for so many things....I'm being emotionally torn in many peaces. Just from time to time, someone out of know where....give me a hug, tell me you care.... I need some love right now....It would be nice. I'm trying so hard at this moment to hold my self together, but I feel like I'm the only one left to stitch all the peaces....someone wanna grab a needle and thread and wanna maybe help me put this together?....im just gonna go with the flow, not fight the current, and see where everything takes me....we can only hope, and ya never know till ya actually know.